The Mistress Diaries.

don't believe everything i write.
or take into heart.
whatever suits your fancy. :)

(Lizette Palermo - Olitres)

Girl Meets Boys.

Potential Boyfriend Number 001.

Boy: Hi! Would you like to go to the movies with me?

Girl: What are we gonna watch?

Boy: (sings) Bad boys, Bad boys… watchu gonna do? Watchu gonna do when they come for you?

Girl: seriously?

Boy: seriously.

Girl: Ok.

Boy: The ticket’s worth a hundred and twenty bucks.

Girl: So?

Boy: i can’t buy your ticket if you don’t give me money. I would’ve bought it but i just had my car door fixed sooo…

Girl: ok shut up. Here. (hands boy money)

Give up when potential boyfriend 001 considers you to be potential girlfriend number 003 and potential mistress-not-wife number 005. Tsktsk.

Lesson learned: never go on a movie date without extra cash. Loads of extra cash. For popcorn. So you can stuff your face and will have reason to never talk to him.

Potential Boyfriend Number 002.

Boy: (flashes killer smile)

Girl: (blushes)

Boy: i’d like to take you out sometime… maybe in July?

Girl: huh? It’s april. Why wait til July?!?

Boy: my girlfriend leaves for the states second week of July.

Potential boyfriend number 002 is a polygamous athletic stud who makes  you laugh and sends delicious shivers down your spine. He never left his girlfriend, FYI.

Lesson learned: Thou shall not steal thy neighbor’s boyfriend even if she didn’t know about it.

Potential Boyfriend Number 003.

Married man.

With two kids.

Enough said.

Lesson learned: Behind every married man is a jealous bitch of a wife. And wives always win. Wives with children always always win. So walk away after three months worth of shopping sprees and fancy dates because it all goes downhill from there.

Potential Boyfriend Number 002.2.

Boy: (flashes killer smile)

Girl: (blushes)

Boy: i’ll call you at 1:00 am.

Lesson learned: Never ever entertain calls after midnight. Never ever accept invitations to date after midnight. It just bluntly means he wants to fuck around with you. And fuck around with you he will. And after fucking around with you, he just leaves your mind, heart, body and soul all fucked up. So fuck him. But leave it at that.

Potential Boyfriend Number 004.

Boy: You wanna have coffee?

Girl: Sure.

(4pm coffee. Great coffee. Great conversations. Great company.)

No sparks.

Lesson learned: Date around. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Potential Boyfriend Number 005.

Boy: You wanna go clubbing?

Girl: Why not?

Boy: You want a jagermeister? Flaming Ferrari? Triple shot of tequila?

Girl: Why not?

Boy: You wanna party?

Girl: Why not?

(4am. Lights. Sounds. Sensation. Flying high as a bird. Girl tripping. Boy missing. Now how to go home?)

Lesson learned: When life hands you lemons,  always count on someone else to bring in the tequila. And the vodka. And the mojito. And the rhum. And the beer. And the party pills. And the follow up party pills. But after you’ve barfed out all the seemingly good stuff, these boys are just too fucking hung over to take you out to lunch or watch a movie or meet your family or go to church with you. Good time boys are just there for the good times.

Potential Boyfriend Number 006.

Boy: Are you free for dinner?

Girl: When?

Boy: How’s about Friday?

Girl: Sure.

Boy: Great. I cant wait.

(8pm Japanese dinner. Nice. 10 pm. After dinner drinks. Nice. 1 am. You barfing. Him holding your hair while you barf. Nice.)

Lesson learned: Date around. Plenty of fish in the sea. But still hope for that one glorious bull of a man to come walking into your life.

Potential Boyfriend Number 007.

Girl: would you like to go on a date with me?

Boy: What? Are you asking me out?

Girl: if you answer yes, then Im asking you out. If you say no, then consider it a hypothetical question.

Boy: (laughs) ok. But please. Let ME pay for dinner.

(7pm dinner. Picks you up. Opens car door. Pays for dinner. Makes you laugh. Mutual interests in love, life, food and drinks and primetime TV soap opera.)

Lesson learned: Guys make great friends. Guys make amazing BFF’s. They also have a higher potential of being borderline effeminate. Be open-minded. Support the sexual revolution.

Potential Boyfriend Number 008 a.k.a. Potential Girlfriend number 001.

Girl: (looks at girl) (maybe the grass is greener on the other side.)

Other Girl: (smiles. And flirts with you.)

Lesson learned: Try something new. You never know. Viva la vulva.

Potential Boyfriend Number 009.

Boy is a call center agent.

Good looks.

Interesting personality.

Has passion and ambition.

And has nice clean fingernails.

Speaks with irritatingly compelled American accent.

Lesson learned: No one is perfect. Learn to accept and love the imperfections. If you can’t get over it, then walk the fuck away than live a life of supposed colonial misery.

Potentail Boyfriend Number 010.

Sings. Plays guitar. Has tattoos. 4-pack abs. Nice butt.

Loves music. Likes you.

Lesson learned: This rockstar’s girlfriends always stay backstage. Stage right. Stage Left. Backstage. Never centerstage. Applicable to real life. And groupies will drive you crazy. Especially flab-free groupies with 23-inch waistlines and insatiable lust for rockstar body parts.

Potential Boyfriend Number whatever.

Have faith. And God answers.

The best person to have a relationship with is yourself.

Eat alone. Ride a jeepney to nowhere. Max out your credit card. Buy a vibrator. Go on a solo vacation. Read a book. Use the vibrator.

And when you learn to love yourself, others will come to love you for you.

By the way, Potential Boyfriend Number 006 became Husband Number One.

                                                               

To Mommy. 12-20-10.

Dear mommy,

Today,I will get married.
I will become someone’s wife even if I don’t know how to cook or do laundry or take care of a plant or sew a button on.
I will become someone’s daughter-in-law even though I haven’t really perfected the art of being YOUR daughter.
I will become someone else’s sister even if I’m still in the scream-kick-punch-strangle stage with mine.
Wife,daughter-in-law,sister-in-law… All these new roles to play but I will always keep coming back to one: Mommy’s Girl.

No matter where I go, or what I do, or who I’m with, I will always be thankful for everything you’ve done for me. For being unselfish with your time, your efforts, your money, your support and most of all, your love.

Through the worst times, you never showed us weakness. And through my bad times, I gather strength from you. If I could be half the wife and mother that you were, I’d be set for life. But I know I could never be like you because there’s no one else like you.

Thank you for buying me all those books because they taught me to believe in fairytales, to dream without limits and to explore endless possibilities.

Thank you for all those yummy, mouth watering, fattening, cholesterol-loaded meals that you cook because they taught me meals and mealtimes should be shared with family and friends.

Thank you for buying me new clothes and jeans with bigger waist sizes because it makes me feel like I will always be accepted and loved no matter how much weight I gain or how long skin allergy stays or how many zits I grow.

Thank you for understanding my cigarette-smoking-beer-drinking-party-girl rebel days because I now realize if I didn’t go through that, I would be a very confused, very bitter, very naïve, very boring 50-year-old with a whole lot of what-ifs and regrets. True, experience is the best teacher.

Thank you for accepting my friends,old and new alike, into our home and into our lives. they are the best support group anyone could ever ask for.

But most of all, thank you for accepting Mike without questions, for trusting him without doubts, for treating him like he’s been part of the family for a long time, for giving love that is beyond unconditional.

Thank you for everything Mommy. I can never say thank you enough. All that I am, I owe to you. And all I ever will be, will be in honor of you.

Love, Lizette.

eviL eviL Tempura Bacon!

eviL eviL Tempura Bacon!

… Sit talking up all night… Saying things we haven’t for a while… We’re smiling but we’re close to tears… Even after all these years… We just now got the feeling that we’re meeting for the first time…

—The Script

Spicy Sloppy Joes. ♥ i can feel myself getting fat by just staring at the photo.

Spicy Sloppy Joes. ♥ i can feel myself getting fat by just staring at the photo.

Lizette’s current meal must have!!! i ♥ pinoy food. Bicol Express Ingredients: *1/4 kilo pork, thinly sliced *1 cup Baguio beans *3 cups long chili or jalapeno peppers *1 onion, minced *1 head of garlic, minced *1 cup coconut milk *1 cup coconut cream *2 tablespoons of cooking oilBicol Express Cooking Instructions/Procedure: 1) In a bowl of water with salt, soak chili peppers for 30 minutes then rinse and strain. 2) In a cooking pan, heat cooking oil and brown sliced pork for a few minutes. 3) In another pan, sauté minced garlic and onion. 4) Add to the sauté the browned pork. 5) Then add the coconut milk, bring to a boil and simmer for 10 minutes. 6) Add the chili peppers, Baguio beans and cook until dish gets a little dry. 7) Add the coconut cream and simmer until the sauce thickens. Best served with crispy pata. :p

Lizette’s current meal must have!!!

i ♥ pinoy food.


Bicol Express Ingredients:

*1/4 kilo pork, thinly sliced
*1 cup Baguio beans
*3 cups long chili or jalapeno peppers
*1 onion, minced
*1 head of garlic, minced
*1 cup coconut milk
*1 cup coconut cream
*2 tablespoons of cooking oil

Bicol Express Cooking Instructions/Procedure:

1) In a bowl of water with salt, soak chili peppers for 30 minutes then rinse and strain.
2) In a cooking pan, heat cooking oil and brown sliced pork for a few minutes.
3) In another pan, sauté minced garlic and onion.
4) Add to the sauté the browned pork.
5) Then add the coconut milk, bring to a boil and simmer for 10 minutes.
6) Add the chili peppers, Baguio beans and cook until dish gets a little dry.
7) Add the coconut cream and simmer until the sauce thickens.

Best served with crispy pata. :p

Japanese Potato Salad. drooling to the highest level. will kill for this. Ingredients: 3-4 potatoes 1/2 cucumber 1/2 onion 1/2 carrot 2 slices ham 2 tsp rice wine vinegar 1 tsp olive oil 1/2 tsp salt 3 tbsps mayonnaise *2 boiled eggs Preparation: Wash potatoes and boil them in a large pan until soften. Peel the skin and mash the potatoes. Pour vinegar, olive oil, and salt over the potatoes when potatoes are still hot. Thinly slice onion and soak in water. Slice cucumber into thin rounds. Slice carrots into thin rounds and futher cut them in quarters. Cut ham into strips. Mix potatoes and other vegetables with mayonnaise. Add chopped boiled eggs if you would like.

Japanese Potato Salad.

drooling to the highest level. will kill for this.

Ingredients:

  • 3-4 potatoes
  • 1/2 cucumber
  • 1/2 onion
  • 1/2 carrot
  • 2 slices ham
  • 2 tsp rice wine vinegar
  • 1 tsp olive oil
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 3 tbsps mayonnaise
  • *2 boiled eggs

Preparation:

Wash potatoes and boil them in a large pan until soften. Peel the skin and mash the potatoes. Pour vinegar, olive oil, and salt over the potatoes when potatoes are still hot. Thinly slice onion and soak in water. Slice cucumber into thin rounds. Slice carrots into thin rounds and futher cut them in quarters. Cut ham into strips. Mix potatoes and other vegetables with mayonnaise. Add chopped boiled eggs if you would like.
double burger patty with cheese, topped with onions, pickles and mustard and strips of crispy Bacon. (drooooooooool). Baconator - you will be mine! >:(

double burger patty with cheese, topped with onions, pickles and mustard and strips of crispy Bacon. (drooooooooool).

Baconator - you will be mine! >:(

I pledge allegiance to __________.

August 23, 2010.

One ex-policeman. Twenty-five passengers. Eleven hours of hostage taking and negotiations. Seven Dead.

Drama,action and suspense-this is what we Filipinos hungrily feed on. Appalled as real-life drama unfolded on primetime.

MPD - I understand that all military and police training (hell, all of us who are employed even) have to follow a chain of command. So who gave the orders to have the suspect’s brother taken to police custody? Did you work well with the hostage negotiators? Did you consult psychiatrists, gauge the mental and emotional distress of all parties concerned? Did you consider the repercussions of doing that? Did you not think of the concurrent live media coverage? Chain of command weak. Chain of command failed. Most of all, have you ever heard of protective gear, and isn’t there some police protocol regarding safety and security?

SWAT - is an acronym for Special Weapons and Tactics. ROFL. Seriously. You looked like a bunch of chickens cowering behind the big bus. WTF. Practice run before the assault. Briefing yes. Discussions regarding tactical options yes. Practice??? Are you people not supposed to do that when you’re a freshman, a neophyte, and not supposed professionals assigned to the field? OMG. Whatever happened to Intelligence units? No one considered researching about the bus lay out? A hammer, wood plank, rope??? No thermal imaging cameras? No portable surveillance cameras? Rural police, yes you are. Eleven hours. It took you that long. Please take refresher courses on negotiations. As humans, yes, I understand that we act on instinct, but as our superiors said, this is a ‘special isolated case’ which mean that you must have had some ‘special operations procedures training’. I kinda wonder what they teach in criminology. Proper way of crouching 101? FTW. Next, considering the number of police, SWAT, security guards you deployed to the area, you didn’t cordone the crime scene. Evidence, that could possibly be crucial to the investigation have been contaminated. CSI, NCIS, SOCO. You’d think there’s saturation of crime shows but none of them have permeated our brains. Pilipinas, you are TDF. I hate to compare but really… Collaborative, systematic effort could greatly improve our chances of being a better nation… But I KNOW we could have done better. We could do better.

GOVERNMENT - “… To purchase new equipment… To undergo new training…” What’s next? Will you issue a statement banning bus rides? Maybe officials should rethink and reconsider pork barrel distribution and taxation laws. Why does it always take a tragedy for us to take action? A little too late. Always. Foresight is not one of our better qualities. But it should be.

MEDIA - people have a right to be informed, yes. But could lives have been saved if information had been filtered? Then again, the SWAT and the MPD could’ve also done something about this. No high-tech device that would block radio and tv signals? Could they have taken the brother into custody in discretion? Again, spotlight’s on the armed guys in blue uniform.

MENDOZA - may you rest in peace and god bless your soul. You got your message across. But by taking hostage a bus full of people, did you actually think the PNP would reinstate you, give you back your old job, offer you a lifetime of benefits? I wonder, what’s your story?

TOURISM - “Avoid all travel to Philippines.” Fluctuating. Downward spiral. Enough said.

My heart goes out to the families and friends of the victims. I mourn for all the lives lost. I pray for a better future. I cry for my seemingly hopeless motherland. May God bless us all.